Mental Health Series: Aaron.

Here we are again with another instalment of my Mental Health Series. If you haven't yet read the first 3 entries, here is where you can read them.

Here's Aaron's entry;

2016 was a hectic year for me. In December 2015 I had the best 3 weeks of my life only to come home and have my world unravel. I came into the New Year unemployed and I hadn’t managed to keep a job for any longer than 6 weeks until after I’d had therapy. My relationship fell apart and drove me into depression, which I’m still not over. I lost one of my best friends (they didn’t die we just had a disagreement). And what’s more there have been several upsets in my family due to one particular arsehole. So is it really any surprise that in May I had a meltdown and was diagnosed with anxiety (both general and social) and depression?

Okay so I’ve always had social anxiety for as long as I remember but I never labelled it. Maybe because I didn’t want to accept it or maybe I just wanted to bury it deep inside me. In any case it has been an utter hindrance to my every day life. If I had do delve into my past and think about the root cause I could boil it down to a few key parts of my life:

·      My dad left when I was a kid and stopped seeing me altogether before long

·      I was severely bullied in high school

·      My girlfriend through high school tried her best to change who I was and was a controlling maniac

·      Due to my dad being a pleb my mother over compensated, leaving me with no voice of my own

So you can see why I would be worried to open myself up to anyone and why I would be apprehensive about being around people. If you watch The Big Bang Theory you might know of a character called Lucy, who also suffers in social situations. And you might remember how she escapes several times through a bathroom window or simply doesn’t show up. The show does make it quite funny but I know what it’s like to feel like that. Think back to the time when you felt the most panicked and imagine being like that every time you’re in a room with more than one person. That’s how I feel.

It’s not that I don’t want to socialise or meet new people, it’s just incredibly frightening and draining for me. I am quite a reserved person anyway but when I am in a group and I have an opinion to share or anything to say at all, I have to build myself up and work up to it and one of two things will happen:

1.     I will say what I wanted to say but nobody hears me or

2.    By the time I manage to build myself up, the conversation has moved on and it’s now irrelevant

And let’s just assume that I do manage to force myself into these situations. The second I arrive I am plotting my escape. And then I start actually having fun. But then I get drained and then scared. And then I find a reason or excuse, however ridiculous to escape. And after I’ve escaped from my panic and fears I can’t help but wonder, “What the fuck is wrong with me?” And that makes me spiral even more.

It’s not easy to explain clearly what it’s like to feel so uncomfortable and scared in these situations. The first things that happens is my heart rate elevates and then I become hyper aware of my situation and myself. Then in my head are voices telling me all manors of horrible things. Then it’s like there’s a swarm of bees, a stampede of wildebeest, and a flock of seagulls all inside my mind and my rational behaviour just leaves me and is replaced by this demon of self-destruction. I don’t even notice that my breathing is heavy or that I’m cracking my knuckles or fidgeting or sweating or even that I’m on my phone. These are my coping mechanisms, or safety behaviours as my cousellor puts it.

When I am with a group and I manage to share my opinion, my mouth gets dry, I avoid eye contact, and my voice quietens to a whisper. And more often than not I completely lose my train of thought and end up looking like an utter tit because I can’t even finish what might have been a really good point. Then once again I wonder what is wrong with me.

I’ve mentioned that it’s scary. I’ve mentioned that it causes panic. But another thing that’s caused is frustration. Imagine needing the toilet when you’re in a class and not being able to go because what if someone looks at you or you fall? Imagine not being able to put something in the bin because what it’s not okay to do that yet or you miss? Imagine not being able to ask someone in a shop where something is because what if it’s been under your nose the whole time and you look like an idiot for not seeing it? This is a mere fraction of the things going on in my head.

I have gone days before without speaking to anyone or just dwelling, sat in my room listening to sad music and just feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up for being such a disappointment and a failure. I have been through several jobs in my life, started several endeavours, 99% of which have amounted to exactly bugger all. And that’s because of my fear of rejection and judgement. And by letting myself fail I become even more of a disappointment. So then I beat myself up even more. By doing this I just make everything worse. And you might think, “Why don’t you just stick to stuff and force yourself through it?” And here is my answer: Because I just can’t

A lot of people (who don’t live with anxiety) just don’t understand what it’s like. They say stuff like “just take a deep breath” or “it’s not that bad.” This kind of shit is not helpful in any way, shape or form. It seems that a popular belief is that, if you can’t physically see an issue/disability/illness, it doesn’t exist. I (and probably others like me) wear a mask when I leave the house. My mask hides my uncontrollable fear. It hides my weaknesses. It hides my panic. So through wearing this mask I can create the illusion that I am okay. And that’s something I have to do because I cannot ask for help. As easy as it is for most people, I cannot simply say, “I need help”. Luckily my doctor caught on to what I was going through and pushed me to go for counselling.

Leaving the house to go to my first appointment was the hardest step I have taken for a long time. And sitting down and talking to someone about what’s wrong with me was even harder. However counselling is something that has helped me before. I had the same image in my mind that you probably do when I thought about counselling; an office with a bookshelf at the back with leather psychology books on it, a mahogany desk with leather chairs decorated with knickknacks and thingumajigs. And a man/woman in a suit sat asking me, “And how does that make you feel?”  This is far from the reality. My counsellor has been explaining to me why I do the things I do and why I think the things I do. Not only this but she has been equipping me with the tools necessary to deal with these situations and to combat my self-destructive mind-set.

But I can’t pretend that anxiety is 100% bad. When I reflect on my life and all the things I’ve missed out on or all the decisions I’ve made I realise that it’s all brought me to where I am today. I am currently at college and hopefully this year I’ll be going to uni. I even joined a writing group. And most importantly, I’ve met some incredible people along the way.

Aaron.

Go check out Aaron's blog here; http://briscoeblogg.blogspot.co.uk/

Mental Health Series: Thomas.

Welcome to the second instalment of my Mental Health Series. If you didn't catch the first one, you can read it here. 

This one has been written by Tom;

Anxiety is shit. It's also become a dirty word to me, I hate it. No matter how much I talk about it or discuss it with people, a bad taste is always left in my mouth. Treating my anxiety like this has helped me get over it. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, or make decisions based off of just one feeling (even if the feeling takes me over for weeks on end) and I certainly don't wish death upon myself like I used to. But it's been a long road.

The past year has been somewhat of a, well a rollercoaster, as cliche as that sounds. I've had awful downs and amazing ups and throughout it all I've had anxiety as a companion. A devil on my shoulder telling me everything isn't what it seems or that I'm not having fun. That I'm faking my happiness and as soon as I get into bed the depressive thoughts will creep in and plague my mind. 

The only thing that has changed now is I've started listening to myself. However hard it may have been for me to block out depressive thoughts or feelings of panic when really there was never anything to panic about - I've managed to do it. That's a good word to describe the process - managing. You have to learn to give in to the demons before they consume you. Listen to them, acknowledge them and then fight them. They are not you and the most definitely aren't the making of you. 

One of the biggest things I found hard when coping with anxiety is just how hard it is to tell someone I had it. Stigma against mental illness is still very real and I don't think people really believed me unless they saw me have a full on panic attack. And because I really only seemed to panic when I was somewhere safe, around friends - hardly anyone would see it. 

Other than the former, my symptoms would be few and far between. When I'd experience worry I would experience it like an intense illness for weeks. Rather than coughing I would worry about everything. Then that illness seemed to go and I'd start feeling paranoia. Everyone for sure hated me and people only really spent time with me because they felt pity for me (this is admittedly something I still struggle with now) and I found it hard to believe that anyone would want to have anything to do with me. My body became a vessel of negativity and I couldn't seem to scratch off any positivity whatsoever. This process repeated in a bitter cycle for ages.

Then something clicked last Christmas. My mind seemed to stop, and I realised I hadn't had one feeling of anxiety or depression in about a week. A WEEK! It was magnificent. The week turned into a month, and here I am in March still feeling like the Thomas before anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I have had a few panic attacks (and they have been a few of the worst I've ever had) but they've been random. It's as though my body is confused because I'm not really anxious anymore so it feels like it needs to panic. 

I can't give advice on how to get through the constant uphill battle that anxiety is, I'm sorry. The experience is so different for anyone going through it, even if the symptoms are very similar. The only thing to strive towards is knowing that one day you will feel better. You might wake up and laugh at something before you begin to think of anything worth worrying about. You might muster up the confidence to go to a cashier in a shop instead of asking your friend. You might even just realise you aren't biting your nails as often as you used to. It's all about the little steps - they might seem small to other people but to you they're quite the opposite.

Thomas.

Go check out Tom's blog here; http://www.thomascrawshaw.co.uk/

Mental Health Series: Me.

I've been sat on the fence with posting this for ages; funnily enough a result of anxiety. But here I am taking the plunge and being brave.

'Mental health' is still something that is very taboo, even in this day and age. I think whenever someone hears the term 'mental illness' their mind diverts them to an image of someone strapped to a bed screaming or bashing their head against the wall. I think what people don't realise is that there are cases that aren't necessarily smaller in comparison, but when looking at someone's face are less obvious. It's bubbling just underneath the surface, waiting until they get back to their room where they can scream into a pillow, letting out all of the energy that's been spent fighting their own brain 24 hours a day. Various mental illnesses affect many of my family and friends and it's something that if you don't really know much about, it can easily be shrugged off or forgotten. I think the most common way this happens is that mental illnesses aren't really seen as 'illnesses'. A panic attack is a symptom of increased anxiety, just as a fever is a symptom of the flu. Neither can be helped, and neither are easy to deal with.

Recently i've been told I have anxiety, social anxiety to be specific. At first, it doesn't seem that big of a deal, and whilst I don't want a massive deal to be made about it, I feel like people need to be educated about it as there really isn't enough awareness about mental illnesses.

Throughout the next couple of months, I will be publishing various posts about mental illnesses written by different people with their own experiences and feelings about the subject. This is with the hope that it will help someone, anyone. Even if just one person benefits from the various tips or feels encouraged to go get some help, then this post will have achieved it's purpose.

Little quote from my Queen, Michelle.

I will be honest, the first time someone told me they had anxiety (before I knew it was a thing), I thought to myself "so you just get a little bit nervous every now and again?". I couldn't have been more wrong. I feel like this is many people's reaction as a lot of individual's aren't educated in this at all. Anxiety isn't just feeling nervous. It isn't something that someone can help. And panic attacks can happen out of nowhere. I myself have never had a panic attack, and the way some people describe them, I don't really want to. But that's out of my control. Anxiety means your brain is different to others, and I know lots of people flinch at the word 'different' but it's true. The best way I can describe it to those who aren't familiar is it means your brain is hardwired to go into panic mode from certain triggers, and this 'panic mode' can't be controlled or reigned in very easily. Sometimes you don't even need a trigger, your brain just panics.

For as long as I can remember I have never been able to relax in a room of people, I am permanently on edge: my brain in a constant state of panic waiting for something to happen or wondering what everyone is thinking about me. I struggle to speak in front of a group of people, I am extremely uncomfortable when meeting new people, 90% of the day my brain is trying to figure out what people think about me - and I wish this was an exaggeration. Just think about how tiring that is, constantly battling the thoughts that are trapped in your brain, even when you don't want to think them. Whilst writing this post i'm thinking about how I will be judged by anyone who reads it, but I want to be as honest as possible in the hope that it will help someone. It was a big step for me when I decided to post the links to my blog on Facebook, and it's still something I struggle with now. Every time I post a link to my blog on social media i'm thinking about who will read it and what they will think about me. Someone said to me a few weeks ago, "you're the most confident person with anxiety i've ever met". This isn't true. In fact, I don't think my self confidence has ever been so low, my voice just seems to get louder to overcompensate and to cover up the fact that my body is completely on edge. It's either one or the other, i'll come across as confident because i'm overcompensating and being forward, or i'll be completely reserved and just listen to conversations rather than partaking in them.

I'll be honest, it's also affected situations at University too. Sometimes I just get so tired of arguing with myself in my head about worrying what people will think about what i'm wearing, how I look, what bag I use, how I talk, what my hair looks like, what shoes i'm wearing... that I just decide my day will be easier to just stay at home and pretend i'm physically ill. Every morning I get changed and i'm not picking out clothes because of what I want to wear, it's what I think people i'm seeing that day will think look nice.

But that's enough about me. There are a few more people that you're going to hear from throughout the next couple of months, so I hope you'll stick around and listen to them. If you would like to contribute a post to this series - let me know via the contact me page. And if you've listened to me, thank you, because that was hard for me to write.

Annabel

PS. I found this article the other day, it's only a short one but it sums it up really well; Thought catalogue