Long time, no see (again).

Eyup! Guess who's on her travels again?

The last time I posted was in August 2017 when I went to Canada so it's been a while! I'm not entirely sure how often i'm going to be able to write over the next few months but i'm at least going to give it a go!

So to catch up on the main 2 years; I graduated from LBU and went to visit Priya in Canada, when I got back I was promoted to Supervisor at LEGO, where I stayed up until last week. I'm now sat on a plane on my way to the USA for the summer to work at Camp Saginaw as their Dance Specialist.

It's pretty much going to be non-stop for me for the next 8 weeks. At camp i'll be on duty the vast majority of the time looking after the kids, so access to my phone/the internet is really limited! To be honest, i'm looking forward to a little detox, (i'm really gonna miss Instagram though).

So as for my flights, i'm on my 8hr flight to Atlanta now, then after a 4hr wait I board again for a 2hr flight to Philadelphia, where i'm staying in a hotel tonight to be then picked up for camp tomorrow. Next week is orientation and then we welcome the campers as they arrive for their 7 weeks!

After 8 weeks of what i'm expecting is going to be the most rewarding hard work i've ever done, i'm meeting my cousin Sam in Miami for 4 weeks of travelling up the East Coast and visiting Orlando, Washington DC, Atlantic City and ending in New York in time for his birthday, and our flight home. He's currently on his way to Camp Winaukee in New Hampshire.

Annabel

Canada.

1st August: The Journey
So the first flight was supposed to be a 7 hour flight from Manchester to Toronto, with a 6 hour layover until my 5 hour flight to Vancouver. However, due to some crazy storms in Toronto we were circling the area for around 40 minutes until the Captain announced that we needed to stop somewhere for fuel, and the closest airport available was in Buffalo, NY. This was my first visit to the USA and I didn't even leave the plane, (they opened the doors for air so i'm still going to count it). After waiting 2 hours (yes, still sat on the plane), we set off again to Toronto. I had around 2 hours to check in my suitcase again, go through security and find my gate. Really it was just a blessing in disguise as I really wasn't looking forward to sitting around for 6 hours. I eventually landed in Vancouver after sleeping for most of the second journey, and as I rounded the corner into baggage claim, I heard a scream, and Priya was running straight towards me with a bunch of balloons. We got some funny looks and we hugged around 10 times but it was so good to see her again after over a year! We waiting for my suitcase, got in her car, and drove to her parents' house where we crashed pretty much straight away.

Day 1: Priya and her friend Aisha took me to Cultus Lake, which has a waterpark right next to it. After we spent a few hours on the waterslides, we grabbed something to eat and then made our way down to the lake, where we went for a swim. That night we watched a movie and ordered pizza, however I crashed early as the jet lag was setting in.

Trees for days.

Day 2: The three of us went out for the day again, this time to Golden Ears National Park where we rented a canoe for an hour, and luckily, didn't tip it. We rowed out to a little beach where we went for a quick swim, then hopped back in the canoe back to the main beach. After heading home, we changed and went for dinner, before going to see Spiderman Homecoming (finally!).

Priya & I rowing back to the main beach.

Day 3: Priya drove me to Capilano Suspension Bridge Park, where we walked across this (really high!) bridge, just like the ones on I'm A Celebrity. I was so focused on admiring the view and taking pictures and videos that I didn't really get that scared, despite heights being up there with one of my number 1 fears. Everything was just so green. We then went on treetop and clifftop walks which were breathtaking.

So high up!

Day 4: We packed up our stuff and left Priya's parents' house, and made our way to Priya's apartment in Nanaimo, Vancouver Island. First we waited for the ferry (for 3 hours), then once we were on it we grabbed some food then went back to the car for a nap. On our way to Priya's we stopped by the liquor store to get some alcohol for that night. That night we went out with a few of Priya's friends for my birthday, where I got some free shots!

Day 5: Finally my birthday! We were really tired from the night before so we had a little lie in and then me, Priya and her friends from the night before all met up at Nanaimo River for a few hours. Then we all went home, got ready and went out again. More free birthday shots were had.

Great views for my birthday!

Day 6: The weekend finally caught up with me, and my head was feeling very sore. Priya and I went for a wander in a shopping mall then went to a different spot by Nanaimo River for a few hours.

Me, Priya & pizza.

Luckily I haven't burnt yet, there's a load of forest fires in British Columbia right now and the smoke is blocking out the majority of the sun. Looking forward to next weeks adventures!

Day 7: Drive to Tofino
Priya drove us a few hours up Vancouver Island to go stay in Tofino for a couple of days. We stayed at a really nice resort on the riverfront and booked a boat trip for the next day to visit a small island with hot springs - something I have always wanted to do.

Day 8: Tofino, Ellis River
During the boat trip we saw Grey Whales, Otters, Bears and Eagles

Day 9: Not the most exciting day, we pretty much just hung out at the apartment all day then went on another night out.

Day 10: Hungover once again, and my new favourite thing to do in this case is to go visit the river, so we went back down to Nanaimo River for the afternoon.

Day 11: Ziplining
As stated previously, i'm terrified of heights, but i've always wanted to go ziplining, and it didn't disappoint. We flew over rivers, trees and waterfalls and the view was amazing. I tried to take pictures and film it but my GoPro decided to start playing up.

Day 12:

Annabel

Rambling Post #12: The Final Hurdle.

So here I am.
Sat in my University canteen for what is most likely the last time, eating a sandwich and writing this as an attempt to get my brain to reset before my final ever exam.
It literally feels like yesterday I was on my way to my induction at Everyman cinema back in September 2013, and was handed free coffee on Briggate. Little did I know that the next 4 years were going to be the most unpredictable and rollercoaster-like so far.

There's a lot of things i've experienced but also overcome during my time at Leeds Beckett.
I made friends, I lost them, I got drunk, I made more friends, I split with my long-term boyfriend, Leeds Metropolitan University changed to Leeds Beckett University, I went on a placement year, I moved to Australia, I attended Victoria University, I made more friends, I went on adventures, I got drunk, I came back, I moved house, I got drunk, I got asked to be my good friend's bridesmaid, I was diagnosed and came to terms with anxiety, and as cheesy as it sounds, learnt a lot about myself on the way.

Couldn't have done it without you guys.

Out of everything though, the biggest lesson i've learned during these 4 years is that first impressions really aren't everything. I have been so wrong about a lot of people, and learned to give people a chance, they may surprise you.
Sometimes I look back to the person I was before I came to University and I don't recognise myself. One of my friends, Mary, was telling me only the other day how much i've changed since then.
I'm not usually a massive advocate for change, but this one is good.
I feel somewhat closer to adulthood (don't get me wrong, i'm still miles off).

As it all comes to an end, on one hand, I can't bloody wait. No more stress, no more deadlines hanging over my head and no more watching Netflix wracked with guilt. But on the other hand, I am going to miss it. It's weird thinking I won't be a student anymore and that I need to start looking like i'm getting my life together (so society dictates).

Who knows, I may be back one day. But for now, peace out Beckett.
Annabel

Mental Health Series: Aaron.

Here we are again with another instalment of my Mental Health Series. If you haven't yet read the first 3 entries, here is where you can read them.

Here's Aaron's entry;

2016 was a hectic year for me. In December 2015 I had the best 3 weeks of my life only to come home and have my world unravel. I came into the New Year unemployed and I hadn’t managed to keep a job for any longer than 6 weeks until after I’d had therapy. My relationship fell apart and drove me into depression, which I’m still not over. I lost one of my best friends (they didn’t die we just had a disagreement). And what’s more there have been several upsets in my family due to one particular arsehole. So is it really any surprise that in May I had a meltdown and was diagnosed with anxiety (both general and social) and depression?

Okay so I’ve always had social anxiety for as long as I remember but I never labelled it. Maybe because I didn’t want to accept it or maybe I just wanted to bury it deep inside me. In any case it has been an utter hindrance to my every day life. If I had do delve into my past and think about the root cause I could boil it down to a few key parts of my life:

·      My dad left when I was a kid and stopped seeing me altogether before long

·      I was severely bullied in high school

·      My girlfriend through high school tried her best to change who I was and was a controlling maniac

·      Due to my dad being a pleb my mother over compensated, leaving me with no voice of my own

So you can see why I would be worried to open myself up to anyone and why I would be apprehensive about being around people. If you watch The Big Bang Theory you might know of a character called Lucy, who also suffers in social situations. And you might remember how she escapes several times through a bathroom window or simply doesn’t show up. The show does make it quite funny but I know what it’s like to feel like that. Think back to the time when you felt the most panicked and imagine being like that every time you’re in a room with more than one person. That’s how I feel.

It’s not that I don’t want to socialise or meet new people, it’s just incredibly frightening and draining for me. I am quite a reserved person anyway but when I am in a group and I have an opinion to share or anything to say at all, I have to build myself up and work up to it and one of two things will happen:

1.     I will say what I wanted to say but nobody hears me or

2.    By the time I manage to build myself up, the conversation has moved on and it’s now irrelevant

And let’s just assume that I do manage to force myself into these situations. The second I arrive I am plotting my escape. And then I start actually having fun. But then I get drained and then scared. And then I find a reason or excuse, however ridiculous to escape. And after I’ve escaped from my panic and fears I can’t help but wonder, “What the fuck is wrong with me?” And that makes me spiral even more.

It’s not easy to explain clearly what it’s like to feel so uncomfortable and scared in these situations. The first things that happens is my heart rate elevates and then I become hyper aware of my situation and myself. Then in my head are voices telling me all manors of horrible things. Then it’s like there’s a swarm of bees, a stampede of wildebeest, and a flock of seagulls all inside my mind and my rational behaviour just leaves me and is replaced by this demon of self-destruction. I don’t even notice that my breathing is heavy or that I’m cracking my knuckles or fidgeting or sweating or even that I’m on my phone. These are my coping mechanisms, or safety behaviours as my cousellor puts it.

When I am with a group and I manage to share my opinion, my mouth gets dry, I avoid eye contact, and my voice quietens to a whisper. And more often than not I completely lose my train of thought and end up looking like an utter tit because I can’t even finish what might have been a really good point. Then once again I wonder what is wrong with me.

I’ve mentioned that it’s scary. I’ve mentioned that it causes panic. But another thing that’s caused is frustration. Imagine needing the toilet when you’re in a class and not being able to go because what if someone looks at you or you fall? Imagine not being able to put something in the bin because what it’s not okay to do that yet or you miss? Imagine not being able to ask someone in a shop where something is because what if it’s been under your nose the whole time and you look like an idiot for not seeing it? This is a mere fraction of the things going on in my head.

I have gone days before without speaking to anyone or just dwelling, sat in my room listening to sad music and just feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up for being such a disappointment and a failure. I have been through several jobs in my life, started several endeavours, 99% of which have amounted to exactly bugger all. And that’s because of my fear of rejection and judgement. And by letting myself fail I become even more of a disappointment. So then I beat myself up even more. By doing this I just make everything worse. And you might think, “Why don’t you just stick to stuff and force yourself through it?” And here is my answer: Because I just can’t

A lot of people (who don’t live with anxiety) just don’t understand what it’s like. They say stuff like “just take a deep breath” or “it’s not that bad.” This kind of shit is not helpful in any way, shape or form. It seems that a popular belief is that, if you can’t physically see an issue/disability/illness, it doesn’t exist. I (and probably others like me) wear a mask when I leave the house. My mask hides my uncontrollable fear. It hides my weaknesses. It hides my panic. So through wearing this mask I can create the illusion that I am okay. And that’s something I have to do because I cannot ask for help. As easy as it is for most people, I cannot simply say, “I need help”. Luckily my doctor caught on to what I was going through and pushed me to go for counselling.

Leaving the house to go to my first appointment was the hardest step I have taken for a long time. And sitting down and talking to someone about what’s wrong with me was even harder. However counselling is something that has helped me before. I had the same image in my mind that you probably do when I thought about counselling; an office with a bookshelf at the back with leather psychology books on it, a mahogany desk with leather chairs decorated with knickknacks and thingumajigs. And a man/woman in a suit sat asking me, “And how does that make you feel?”  This is far from the reality. My counsellor has been explaining to me why I do the things I do and why I think the things I do. Not only this but she has been equipping me with the tools necessary to deal with these situations and to combat my self-destructive mind-set.

But I can’t pretend that anxiety is 100% bad. When I reflect on my life and all the things I’ve missed out on or all the decisions I’ve made I realise that it’s all brought me to where I am today. I am currently at college and hopefully this year I’ll be going to uni. I even joined a writing group. And most importantly, I’ve met some incredible people along the way.

Aaron.

Go check out Aaron's blog here; http://briscoeblogg.blogspot.co.uk/

April.

April started as March ended. Alcohol.

I went out for a few drinks with a couple of my housemates and my friend Jess in Headingley. We stayed in Box for a few hours, then I got a taxi into town to meet my friend Tom and his friend Izzy at Yates'. We were in there for a few hours then wandered down to Stone Roses where we stayed until 6am. It wad a great night and surprisingly I didn't feel hungover the next day, despite having 3 hours sleep and getting to work for 11am.

I really like this picture. Tom, Izzy & I looking very jolly.

Over the past few months i've been to quite a few gigs in Leeds, including bands and comedians. Russell Howard at Leeds Arena was my final one for a while, and he didn't disappoint. I went with my cousin, Josh, and we loved it. Earlier that day i'd been at work and my friend Nathan (who was also going to see Russell that night), came in saying that Russell was in the Apple Store downstairs. I got all excited (not that I could do anything as I was working), and sure enough, a few minutes later, Russell Howard walked past our store. I freaked out but was frustrated there was nothing I could do about it, Nathan however, went up and got a picture with him. Needless to say we all hate Nathan now.

The only picture I got because I was too busy laughing.

During the Easter Holidays, I went to Alton Towers with my friends Sophie, Fallon and my sister, Emma. The weather wasn't perfect but for the majority of the time it stayed dry. We stayed over in a cute little hostel near the park overnight and went back for a second day on the rollercoasters, managing to get on pretty much every ride throughout the 2 days. Even though it was only overnight it was really nice to get away from Leeds for a bit.

Went on Nemesis. Em loved it, I looked like a thumb.

I've also been busy putting my degree to some good use finally. I've been organising a Cancer Research fundraiser as Josh has absolutely kicked ass since he was diagnosed*. It's basically a talent show for younger kids to show some of their creativity and enjoy themselves, there's also your typical community fundraiser things like Bric-A-Brac, Tombola, Raffle, Quiz, Bake Sale, other stage performances etc. It's just great to put everything i've learned in the past 4 years towards such a great cause, and if it helps even one person get the treatment they need or maybe just give Josh a little boost then it will have all been worth it. If you're reading this and fancy coming, here's the Facebook event and if you want to book tickets, just get in touch with me!

Then came my last ever student loan. This was a bittersweet occasion, so I treated myself to some new clothes, a Pandora ring, a couple of jackets and a few other bits to get me through this difficult time. I now have less than a month left of University. On one hand, I can't wait to get all of it done with. I can't imagine what it's like to not have any work looming over your head or stressing about revision. It must be so nice and peaceful. But on the other hand, i'm going to miss it. A lot. I'll miss my housemates and the drama-riddled street that is Headingley Mount, i'll miss being a student and feeling like it's okay if I mess up a bit now because technically i'm not an adult yet, i'll miss getting discounts everywhere, i'll miss Headingley all together, and in a way i'll just miss the campus. But all good things must come to an end, and I need to start looking towards the next chapter and to more adventures around the world.

Annabel
*Update: he's had the malignant tumour removed from his thigh and received 3 nerve grafts. He was told that after the op he would have a leg brace on for 5/6 months. It was taken off after a week. I'm still convinced he's not human or it's an elaborate prank because it's just not phased him at all and he's inspiring us all with the way he's just stayed himself and not sat around complaining. 

Mental Health Series: Thomas.

Welcome to the second instalment of my Mental Health Series. If you didn't catch the first one, you can read it here. 

This one has been written by Tom;

Anxiety is shit. It's also become a dirty word to me, I hate it. No matter how much I talk about it or discuss it with people, a bad taste is always left in my mouth. Treating my anxiety like this has helped me get over it. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, or make decisions based off of just one feeling (even if the feeling takes me over for weeks on end) and I certainly don't wish death upon myself like I used to. But it's been a long road.

The past year has been somewhat of a, well a rollercoaster, as cliche as that sounds. I've had awful downs and amazing ups and throughout it all I've had anxiety as a companion. A devil on my shoulder telling me everything isn't what it seems or that I'm not having fun. That I'm faking my happiness and as soon as I get into bed the depressive thoughts will creep in and plague my mind. 

The only thing that has changed now is I've started listening to myself. However hard it may have been for me to block out depressive thoughts or feelings of panic when really there was never anything to panic about - I've managed to do it. That's a good word to describe the process - managing. You have to learn to give in to the demons before they consume you. Listen to them, acknowledge them and then fight them. They are not you and the most definitely aren't the making of you. 

One of the biggest things I found hard when coping with anxiety is just how hard it is to tell someone I had it. Stigma against mental illness is still very real and I don't think people really believed me unless they saw me have a full on panic attack. And because I really only seemed to panic when I was somewhere safe, around friends - hardly anyone would see it. 

Other than the former, my symptoms would be few and far between. When I'd experience worry I would experience it like an intense illness for weeks. Rather than coughing I would worry about everything. Then that illness seemed to go and I'd start feeling paranoia. Everyone for sure hated me and people only really spent time with me because they felt pity for me (this is admittedly something I still struggle with now) and I found it hard to believe that anyone would want to have anything to do with me. My body became a vessel of negativity and I couldn't seem to scratch off any positivity whatsoever. This process repeated in a bitter cycle for ages.

Then something clicked last Christmas. My mind seemed to stop, and I realised I hadn't had one feeling of anxiety or depression in about a week. A WEEK! It was magnificent. The week turned into a month, and here I am in March still feeling like the Thomas before anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I have had a few panic attacks (and they have been a few of the worst I've ever had) but they've been random. It's as though my body is confused because I'm not really anxious anymore so it feels like it needs to panic. 

I can't give advice on how to get through the constant uphill battle that anxiety is, I'm sorry. The experience is so different for anyone going through it, even if the symptoms are very similar. The only thing to strive towards is knowing that one day you will feel better. You might wake up and laugh at something before you begin to think of anything worth worrying about. You might muster up the confidence to go to a cashier in a shop instead of asking your friend. You might even just realise you aren't biting your nails as often as you used to. It's all about the little steps - they might seem small to other people but to you they're quite the opposite.

Thomas.

Go check out Tom's blog here; http://www.thomascrawshaw.co.uk/

March.

March began with a momentary panic.
This is the month I hand my dissertation in and the rest of my life is decided on this.
Okay so that's a little dramatic, but it's big. So how did I settle myself down for this? The answer is quite simple;
Alcohol.

(Be prepared, this one is going to make me look like a raging alcoholic)

Coincidentally, I had a works leaving do and my housemate's birthday night out on the same day. And it's fair to say, I completely overdid it. I'm not going into details, however i'm sure it's "one of those nights" my friends will be reminding me of for some time.

The Association where I teach dance had their annual 'Presidents Night', where we celebrate the change over from our previous President, to a new President for the year ahead. Some of the groups from Showgroup put on a little performance and Emma & I sang House of Gold by Twenty One Pilots. We then preceded to drink copious amounts of alcohol, after which I went shouting "after party at my house" and a few friends came over until the early hours.

Em & I dancing after many an alcohol.

For my Mum's birthday, we took her out a few times. The first was as a family to Tick Tock Unlock in town. It's one of those game things where they "lock" you in a room and you have to find clues and solve puzzles to get out. It was very stressful but we all enjoyed it. We also went to see the new live action Beauty and the Beast. It was honestly a great film. I hated the way they changed so many things when they re-did Cinderella, but this was more or less kept the same. The music was insane, I had goosebumps the whole way through. To be honest they did go a little crazy in Be Our Guest with the CGI but i'll let them off for now. My sister & I also took Mum to see Michael Flatey's Lord of the Dance at The Grand Theatre (not Dad's cup of tea). My sister and I didn't really know what to expect, let's just say we were sat the entire time with our mouths open in shock.
INCREDIBLE.

We escaped! Can't get rid of us Rileys that easily.

Me and the work pals went up to Manchester for a night to visit our friend, Mick. Despite Viv dropping both of our McDonalds milkshakes at the train station (Viv hurt her shin but my heart was broken more at the fact I was really looking forward to that milkshake). We had a really good night and all got a go on Dave's Nintendo Switch (I didn't have a clue what was going on, I was just winging it). After Mick told us a dramatic bedtime story at 4am we eventually drifted off.

Another weekend I had a family friend's 18th. There were a few people there that I hadn't seen in a while which was great. We played a few drinking games and my cousin managed to twist my arm and convince me to go to town with him and another of our friends despite only having £5 to my name, (shout out to Bank of Dad). From what I remember we danced to S Club 7 and Paramore, until we called it a night at 4am and went for a takeaway.

Em & I (again) managing to take a nice drunken picture.

Unfortunately we lost another LEGO soldier, Kelsea, so we went out for pizza and prosecco at Buca di Pizza - if you go, get the BBQ pulled pork. It's the most amazing thing i've ever had in my mouth. The bubbly was actually really nice too. Afterwards we wandered over to Roxy Ball Room for a couple games of beer pong, ping pong and pool, where I put my excellent beer pong skills to good use (I was a little rusty having not played since Australia). All in all it was a good night with great people.

So you know, life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and as you are reading the Life of Riley, I always keep things as honest as I can. This month, my cousin, who's practically my twin, was diagnosed with cancer. Yeah, it's pretty damn shit. I have to say though, the way he's handled it just makes me admire him even more than I already do. He's an absolute trooper and isn't letting anything stop him from carrying on how he always has done, it's amazing. What's also amazing is how our family and friends (we're all pretty close knit anyway) have come together and we're doing Race For Life's 'Pretty Muddy' in Josh's name in June to raise money for Cancer Research UK. Within less than a day of our fundraising page getting set up, we'd raised over £300. Within 3 days we had over £800. And within 5 we reached 4 figures. We're now almost at £2k.
The kindness and generosity of others overwhelmed us all and I think it gave us all a well needed boost. If you're reading this and you've already sponsored us, or you're about to, or you've even just shared the link on Facebook, seriously thank you, from the entire Riley clan.

And to end the month on a positive note; my dissertation is finally handed in!!!

If you didn't take a photo handing in your dissertation, did you even hand it in?

My course celebrated by doing the Otley Run in fancy dress; Carnival theme. We just used it as an excuse to go absolutely nuts with chunky glitter and feathers.

Me and some girls from my course. On the top row from the right we have my housemates Sian, Ellie and Me.

Not gonna lie, I wanted to keep this on forever.

Slimming World update: Due to a lot of late night sessions in the library and dissertation stress, my weight hasn't been great this month and in total i've put on 5 pounds, which i'm completely okay with because I had a lot of celebrating to do after handing my dissertation in!

Annabel

Mental Health Series: Me.

I've been sat on the fence with posting this for ages; funnily enough a result of anxiety. But here I am taking the plunge and being brave.

'Mental health' is still something that is very taboo, even in this day and age. I think whenever someone hears the term 'mental illness' their mind diverts them to an image of someone strapped to a bed screaming or bashing their head against the wall. I think what people don't realise is that there are cases that aren't necessarily smaller in comparison, but when looking at someone's face are less obvious. It's bubbling just underneath the surface, waiting until they get back to their room where they can scream into a pillow, letting out all of the energy that's been spent fighting their own brain 24 hours a day. Various mental illnesses affect many of my family and friends and it's something that if you don't really know much about, it can easily be shrugged off or forgotten. I think the most common way this happens is that mental illnesses aren't really seen as 'illnesses'. A panic attack is a symptom of increased anxiety, just as a fever is a symptom of the flu. Neither can be helped, and neither are easy to deal with.

Recently i've been told I have anxiety, social anxiety to be specific. At first, it doesn't seem that big of a deal, and whilst I don't want a massive deal to be made about it, I feel like people need to be educated about it as there really isn't enough awareness about mental illnesses.

Throughout the next couple of months, I will be publishing various posts about mental illnesses written by different people with their own experiences and feelings about the subject. This is with the hope that it will help someone, anyone. Even if just one person benefits from the various tips or feels encouraged to go get some help, then this post will have achieved it's purpose.

Little quote from my Queen, Michelle.

I will be honest, the first time someone told me they had anxiety (before I knew it was a thing), I thought to myself "so you just get a little bit nervous every now and again?". I couldn't have been more wrong. I feel like this is many people's reaction as a lot of individual's aren't educated in this at all. Anxiety isn't just feeling nervous. It isn't something that someone can help. And panic attacks can happen out of nowhere. I myself have never had a panic attack, and the way some people describe them, I don't really want to. But that's out of my control. Anxiety means your brain is different to others, and I know lots of people flinch at the word 'different' but it's true. The best way I can describe it to those who aren't familiar is it means your brain is hardwired to go into panic mode from certain triggers, and this 'panic mode' can't be controlled or reigned in very easily. Sometimes you don't even need a trigger, your brain just panics.

For as long as I can remember I have never been able to relax in a room of people, I am permanently on edge: my brain in a constant state of panic waiting for something to happen or wondering what everyone is thinking about me. I struggle to speak in front of a group of people, I am extremely uncomfortable when meeting new people, 90% of the day my brain is trying to figure out what people think about me - and I wish this was an exaggeration. Just think about how tiring that is, constantly battling the thoughts that are trapped in your brain, even when you don't want to think them. Whilst writing this post i'm thinking about how I will be judged by anyone who reads it, but I want to be as honest as possible in the hope that it will help someone. It was a big step for me when I decided to post the links to my blog on Facebook, and it's still something I struggle with now. Every time I post a link to my blog on social media i'm thinking about who will read it and what they will think about me. Someone said to me a few weeks ago, "you're the most confident person with anxiety i've ever met". This isn't true. In fact, I don't think my self confidence has ever been so low, my voice just seems to get louder to overcompensate and to cover up the fact that my body is completely on edge. It's either one or the other, i'll come across as confident because i'm overcompensating and being forward, or i'll be completely reserved and just listen to conversations rather than partaking in them.

I'll be honest, it's also affected situations at University too. Sometimes I just get so tired of arguing with myself in my head about worrying what people will think about what i'm wearing, how I look, what bag I use, how I talk, what my hair looks like, what shoes i'm wearing... that I just decide my day will be easier to just stay at home and pretend i'm physically ill. Every morning I get changed and i'm not picking out clothes because of what I want to wear, it's what I think people i'm seeing that day will think look nice.

But that's enough about me. There are a few more people that you're going to hear from throughout the next couple of months, so I hope you'll stick around and listen to them. If you would like to contribute a post to this series - let me know via the contact me page. And if you've listened to me, thank you, because that was hard for me to write.

Annabel

PS. I found this article the other day, it's only a short one but it sums it up really well; Thought catalogue