Rambling Post #12: The Final Hurdle.

So here I am.
Sat in my University canteen for what is most likely the last time, eating a sandwich and writing this as an attempt to get my brain to reset before my final ever exam.
It literally feels like yesterday I was on my way to my induction at Everyman cinema back in September 2013, and was handed free coffee on Briggate. Little did I know that the next 4 years were going to be the most unpredictable and rollercoaster-like so far.

There's a lot of things i've experienced but also overcome during my time at Leeds Beckett.
I made friends, I lost them, I got drunk, I made more friends, I split with my long-term boyfriend, Leeds Metropolitan University changed to Leeds Beckett University, I went on a placement year, I moved to Australia, I attended Victoria University, I made more friends, I went on adventures, I got drunk, I came back, I moved house, I got drunk, I got asked to be my good friend's bridesmaid, I was diagnosed and came to terms with anxiety, and as cheesy as it sounds, learnt a lot about myself on the way.

Couldn't have done it without you guys.

Out of everything though, the biggest lesson i've learned during these 4 years is that first impressions really aren't everything. I have been so wrong about a lot of people, and learned to give people a chance, they may surprise you.
Sometimes I look back to the person I was before I came to University and I don't recognise myself. One of my friends, Mary, was telling me only the other day how much i've changed since then.
I'm not usually a massive advocate for change, but this one is good.
I feel somewhat closer to adulthood (don't get me wrong, i'm still miles off).

As it all comes to an end, on one hand, I can't bloody wait. No more stress, no more deadlines hanging over my head and no more watching Netflix wracked with guilt. But on the other hand, I am going to miss it. It's weird thinking I won't be a student anymore and that I need to start looking like i'm getting my life together (so society dictates).

Who knows, I may be back one day. But for now, peace out Beckett.
Annabel

Mental Health Series: Aaron.

Here we are again with another instalment of my Mental Health Series. If you haven't yet read the first 3 entries, here is where you can read them.

Here's Aaron's entry;

2016 was a hectic year for me. In December 2015 I had the best 3 weeks of my life only to come home and have my world unravel. I came into the New Year unemployed and I hadn’t managed to keep a job for any longer than 6 weeks until after I’d had therapy. My relationship fell apart and drove me into depression, which I’m still not over. I lost one of my best friends (they didn’t die we just had a disagreement). And what’s more there have been several upsets in my family due to one particular arsehole. So is it really any surprise that in May I had a meltdown and was diagnosed with anxiety (both general and social) and depression?

Okay so I’ve always had social anxiety for as long as I remember but I never labelled it. Maybe because I didn’t want to accept it or maybe I just wanted to bury it deep inside me. In any case it has been an utter hindrance to my every day life. If I had do delve into my past and think about the root cause I could boil it down to a few key parts of my life:

·      My dad left when I was a kid and stopped seeing me altogether before long

·      I was severely bullied in high school

·      My girlfriend through high school tried her best to change who I was and was a controlling maniac

·      Due to my dad being a pleb my mother over compensated, leaving me with no voice of my own

So you can see why I would be worried to open myself up to anyone and why I would be apprehensive about being around people. If you watch The Big Bang Theory you might know of a character called Lucy, who also suffers in social situations. And you might remember how she escapes several times through a bathroom window or simply doesn’t show up. The show does make it quite funny but I know what it’s like to feel like that. Think back to the time when you felt the most panicked and imagine being like that every time you’re in a room with more than one person. That’s how I feel.

It’s not that I don’t want to socialise or meet new people, it’s just incredibly frightening and draining for me. I am quite a reserved person anyway but when I am in a group and I have an opinion to share or anything to say at all, I have to build myself up and work up to it and one of two things will happen:

1.     I will say what I wanted to say but nobody hears me or

2.    By the time I manage to build myself up, the conversation has moved on and it’s now irrelevant

And let’s just assume that I do manage to force myself into these situations. The second I arrive I am plotting my escape. And then I start actually having fun. But then I get drained and then scared. And then I find a reason or excuse, however ridiculous to escape. And after I’ve escaped from my panic and fears I can’t help but wonder, “What the fuck is wrong with me?” And that makes me spiral even more.

It’s not easy to explain clearly what it’s like to feel so uncomfortable and scared in these situations. The first things that happens is my heart rate elevates and then I become hyper aware of my situation and myself. Then in my head are voices telling me all manors of horrible things. Then it’s like there’s a swarm of bees, a stampede of wildebeest, and a flock of seagulls all inside my mind and my rational behaviour just leaves me and is replaced by this demon of self-destruction. I don’t even notice that my breathing is heavy or that I’m cracking my knuckles or fidgeting or sweating or even that I’m on my phone. These are my coping mechanisms, or safety behaviours as my cousellor puts it.

When I am with a group and I manage to share my opinion, my mouth gets dry, I avoid eye contact, and my voice quietens to a whisper. And more often than not I completely lose my train of thought and end up looking like an utter tit because I can’t even finish what might have been a really good point. Then once again I wonder what is wrong with me.

I’ve mentioned that it’s scary. I’ve mentioned that it causes panic. But another thing that’s caused is frustration. Imagine needing the toilet when you’re in a class and not being able to go because what if someone looks at you or you fall? Imagine not being able to put something in the bin because what it’s not okay to do that yet or you miss? Imagine not being able to ask someone in a shop where something is because what if it’s been under your nose the whole time and you look like an idiot for not seeing it? This is a mere fraction of the things going on in my head.

I have gone days before without speaking to anyone or just dwelling, sat in my room listening to sad music and just feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up for being such a disappointment and a failure. I have been through several jobs in my life, started several endeavours, 99% of which have amounted to exactly bugger all. And that’s because of my fear of rejection and judgement. And by letting myself fail I become even more of a disappointment. So then I beat myself up even more. By doing this I just make everything worse. And you might think, “Why don’t you just stick to stuff and force yourself through it?” And here is my answer: Because I just can’t

A lot of people (who don’t live with anxiety) just don’t understand what it’s like. They say stuff like “just take a deep breath” or “it’s not that bad.” This kind of shit is not helpful in any way, shape or form. It seems that a popular belief is that, if you can’t physically see an issue/disability/illness, it doesn’t exist. I (and probably others like me) wear a mask when I leave the house. My mask hides my uncontrollable fear. It hides my weaknesses. It hides my panic. So through wearing this mask I can create the illusion that I am okay. And that’s something I have to do because I cannot ask for help. As easy as it is for most people, I cannot simply say, “I need help”. Luckily my doctor caught on to what I was going through and pushed me to go for counselling.

Leaving the house to go to my first appointment was the hardest step I have taken for a long time. And sitting down and talking to someone about what’s wrong with me was even harder. However counselling is something that has helped me before. I had the same image in my mind that you probably do when I thought about counselling; an office with a bookshelf at the back with leather psychology books on it, a mahogany desk with leather chairs decorated with knickknacks and thingumajigs. And a man/woman in a suit sat asking me, “And how does that make you feel?”  This is far from the reality. My counsellor has been explaining to me why I do the things I do and why I think the things I do. Not only this but she has been equipping me with the tools necessary to deal with these situations and to combat my self-destructive mind-set.

But I can’t pretend that anxiety is 100% bad. When I reflect on my life and all the things I’ve missed out on or all the decisions I’ve made I realise that it’s all brought me to where I am today. I am currently at college and hopefully this year I’ll be going to uni. I even joined a writing group. And most importantly, I’ve met some incredible people along the way.

Aaron.

Go check out Aaron's blog here; http://briscoeblogg.blogspot.co.uk/

April.

April started as March ended. Alcohol.

I went out for a few drinks with a couple of my housemates and my friend Jess in Headingley. We stayed in Box for a few hours, then I got a taxi into town to meet my friend Tom and his friend Izzy at Yates'. We were in there for a few hours then wandered down to Stone Roses where we stayed until 6am. It wad a great night and surprisingly I didn't feel hungover the next day, despite having 3 hours sleep and getting to work for 11am.

I really like this picture. Tom, Izzy & I looking very jolly.

Over the past few months i've been to quite a few gigs in Leeds, including bands and comedians. Russell Howard at Leeds Arena was my final one for a while, and he didn't disappoint. I went with my cousin, Josh, and we loved it. Earlier that day i'd been at work and my friend Nathan (who was also going to see Russell that night), came in saying that Russell was in the Apple Store downstairs. I got all excited (not that I could do anything as I was working), and sure enough, a few minutes later, Russell Howard walked past our store. I freaked out but was frustrated there was nothing I could do about it, Nathan however, went up and got a picture with him. Needless to say we all hate Nathan now.

The only picture I got because I was too busy laughing.

During the Easter Holidays, I went to Alton Towers with my friends Sophie, Fallon and my sister, Emma. The weather wasn't perfect but for the majority of the time it stayed dry. We stayed over in a cute little hostel near the park overnight and went back for a second day on the rollercoasters, managing to get on pretty much every ride throughout the 2 days. Even though it was only overnight it was really nice to get away from Leeds for a bit.

Went on Nemesis. Em loved it, I looked like a thumb.

I've also been busy putting my degree to some good use finally. I've been organising a Cancer Research fundraiser as Josh has absolutely kicked ass since he was diagnosed*. It's basically a talent show for younger kids to show some of their creativity and enjoy themselves, there's also your typical community fundraiser things like Bric-A-Brac, Tombola, Raffle, Quiz, Bake Sale, other stage performances etc. It's just great to put everything i've learned in the past 4 years towards such a great cause, and if it helps even one person get the treatment they need or maybe just give Josh a little boost then it will have all been worth it. If you're reading this and fancy coming, here's the Facebook event and if you want to book tickets, just get in touch with me!

Then came my last ever student loan. This was a bittersweet occasion, so I treated myself to some new clothes, a Pandora ring, a couple of jackets and a few other bits to get me through this difficult time. I now have less than a month left of University. On one hand, I can't wait to get all of it done with. I can't imagine what it's like to not have any work looming over your head or stressing about revision. It must be so nice and peaceful. But on the other hand, i'm going to miss it. A lot. I'll miss my housemates and the drama-riddled street that is Headingley Mount, i'll miss being a student and feeling like it's okay if I mess up a bit now because technically i'm not an adult yet, i'll miss getting discounts everywhere, i'll miss Headingley all together, and in a way i'll just miss the campus. But all good things must come to an end, and I need to start looking towards the next chapter and to more adventures around the world.

Annabel
*Update: he's had the malignant tumour removed from his thigh and received 3 nerve grafts. He was told that after the op he would have a leg brace on for 5/6 months. It was taken off after a week. I'm still convinced he's not human or it's an elaborate prank because it's just not phased him at all and he's inspiring us all with the way he's just stayed himself and not sat around complaining.